Julia is 7 minutes late for Jazzercise!

By Guest Columnist Samantha Wishkillsy

Look at this. She just leaves these clothes where she drops them. Now where did she, JULIA?! COME AWN! Ugh, now Peppy and Squawkey want food. JULIA, CAN YOU FEED THE BIRDS? BRING THE BIRD FOOD DOWN? CAN YOU BRING THE BIRD FOOD DOWN? FROM UPSTAIRS. THE UPSTAIRS PANTRY. IT'S IN, IT'S IN THE UPSTAIRS, Oh, I'll go get it myself, COME AWN WE'RE AWREADY LATE!

Ms. Nipperson, she's Julia's instructor at the Jazzercise clinic. We been goin there for two years. JULIE? JU-LAYY. Now the birds are flippin' out, Jesus Christ JULIA WHERE'SAT BIRD FOOD AT? I'm having heart palpations.

Hold on, okay, cup a cawfee. I got time for one cup, we're late anyways. Ms. Nipples can just wait. Ugh, with that squawking. Why did we get these birds? They hate each other. Oh and now the cat's in the living room perfect. BEBE, OFFA THAT, GET OFF. I'm tellin ya'.

This picture is of Julia when she led the marching band. Look she was so chubby there. Ugh and all sweating in that white suit my gawd. I'm relaxed now, it's like we're awready late so what's the rush? If she's gonna learn, if she's not gonna know when to show up, when she has to be there, then I don't what. What she learned. Unbelievable.

JULIA.

My therapist says I need to stop yelling so much. Says I'm damaging my noyves. Imagine that. When Julia won first place at Mathletes I screamed so hard I got a blood clot in my throat. They had to go in there with a hacksaw to get it out, I'm tellin' ya it was this big. It's really just been me and Julia since Michael left back in two thousand.

THAT'S IT, I'M WARMIN' UP THE CAR. IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN HERE IN 30 SECONDS I'M JAZZUHSIZIN' WITOUT YEHS. YOU CAN JAZZ TAP YOUR WAY DOWN TO THE ORPHANAGE, FORGET ABOUT THE IGUANA THIS CHRISTMAS, I'M SERIOUS. Huh!


Samantha Wishkillsy is a stay-at-home mom and teacher's aid in King of Prussia, PA.